Earlier this week B decided to end his relationship with M, the woman he has been ‘going out’ with for several weeks now.
Recently I’d begun getting a different feeling about this woman. At the beginning her messages were sweet, engaging and interested.
I first noticed a change in her attitude (towards B) after she met me for the first time. She came over to our house to carpool with B to their date. It was a short friendly hello type thing at the front door. I had seen one face picture of her so I had no idea what she really looked like. She looked great! A real cutie. Apparently that night she told B something along the lines of ‘She was prettier than I expected her to be’. He didn’t actually tell me that – she messaged me on the dating website we (were) all members of and told me herself! ‘I was telling B after I met you that you were much prettier than I’d expected you to be. You need new pictures on here because they aren’t good and maybe that is why you aren’t having any luck on here’. WOW! Not only does she have NO clue my success rate (which was just as good as hers. She said she had to hide her profile because of all the messages. I was close to doing the same) but she basically assumed I was not attractive! My positive opinion of her was going south, quickly. I felt that was pretty rude.
At the end of December I believe, she informed him that she would be taking a trip out west the first week of January and would like to spend as much time with him as schedules would allow. This point is where I noticed that her messages seemed more businesslike and to the point. I wish I had an example, I’ll try to think of one. The entire time they were ‘together’ B and I were bending our schedules if needed to allow it to be in line with hers. I was okay with this from the beginning because I wanted them to spend time together. She has a small child, a busy husband and she is a stay at home mom, hence the need for some flexibility. B offered a day up for her to meet up before she went out of town and her reply was something like ‘I can’t do evenings because of blah blah’, something about her husband working every night until she left for her trip so nobody would be home to watch the baby. Instead she said ‘I would love to meet up for lunch sometime though’. I know you can only read what you want to see when reading a message from someone but truly, the tone had changed.
He decided that he was not going to see her before she left because he didn’t want her to think that we were going to bend over backwards every time schedules didn’t line up. He didn’t need her getting that expectation. I felt bad but I understood and appreciated that he valued both of our times.
They talked here and there while she was gone and once she got back into town she sent him a message along the lines of ‘Hey I’m back in town. I am not available x day and y day but next week looks pretty clear. She went on about a few other things but that was the basic message. No ‘hey I missed you, or hey can’t wait to see you soon’. Nothing but ‘I’m free next week when are going out?’
I told Bryce I did not appreciate the way she had been treating him lately. I said I’m not mad I’m not telling you to not see her I’m just letting you know how I feel and what can we do about what I think is happening?
They have been out on probably five dates, him having gotten one kiss from her. I know this wasn’t all about see but c’mon. I felt like he was being taken advantage of for a while, that she was looking for someone to take her out, help her escape from her marriage and baby for a little while. Someone to have fun with then go back home. I know that is all part of dating but it didn’t seem like she was really willing to GIVE anything and that IS part of it. I explained that to him and just wanted him to sort of ponder it and see what he felt too. We agreed to give it two more dates and then he would end it.
She said she had some ballroom dancing lessons that she had purchased as a date option for her and her husband but due to babysitting issues had not been able to use them and wondered if he would like to. My first instinct was to say no. I even told him that. I asked if it was really something he wanted to do anyway. I did admit that I felt it was something close, something to be experienced by two people in love, or at least in a closer relationship than I know they have. It seemed too personal for such an impersonal seeming relationship. He said that no, he did not really want to do it anyway. I know I am forgetting some bits and pieces in this last bit of the story but I know the next thing he told her was that he was not interested in pursuing the relationship any further. When I read that message I was shocked! He hadn’t told me he was feeling that way. I still thought we were on the ‘two dates and it’s done’ program.
The woman replied back saying she noticed that he had taken down all of his dating profiles and said ‘either your marriage is in trouble or you had a great weekend with someone’. Really? You instantly jump to our marriage being in trouble? He decided to message her back and let her know that his marriage was still going strong and that he didn’t realize how being someone’s secondary was going to feel. (Sidebar: I think a lot of secondary people can have great relationships when they are not someone’s primary but this particular woman didn’t make him feel special or that his time was valuable.) He said that he has realized at least for now that he does not have time in his life for a serious secondary relationship with anyone. He is more interested in casual play partners who he can casually date and if that turned into something more serious he would revisit that situation when the time came. I was surprised but had recently become aware of this too, although we hadn’t talked about it. We went to a lunch with our local BDSM crowd (in a vanilla setting) and met some great people. Afterwards we went to the BDSM club and had a great time. It was then that it became clear that this is what he really wanted from the get go but didn’t realize it: people to play with and hang out with. I’m cool with that!
I feel bad that this happened because I know he was interested in seeing where it was going but not at the expensive of his own feelings, time, and self worth. It’s on to better things apparently!
I stole this from her blog… coincidentally my husband’s name is Bryce and this is exactly how I feel when this happens:
Bryce is dating and I have a lot of free time.
It makes me realize how much I depend on him for companionship: the minute he is gone, I think: fuck, I’m bored.
Life is boring without him.
Also, the blog, http://theblackleatherbelt.com IS AWESOME. Go read it.
So after our little issue this morning in … Okay *MY* issue in regards to half truths and places being off limits we added to our rules. I had gotten the feeling he wasn’t okay with places off limits but I needed something to give.
My darling husband came up with this addendum:
Places / Situations
1. Six Flags
2. Master Bed
3. Our Waffle House
We added in exceptions when the activity includes us both and also a couple out of state that we have been friendly with for some time and I am comfy with him pretty much doing whatever / whenever with her, with me or the husband there or not.
Yes. This whole issue was over a Waffle House. The facility isn’t the problem, it was more that I wasn’t asked if I was okay with this actual location first. I mean there are hundreds of WH’s in our state. Why pick ours?? That is also where the half truth came from which I’m sure didn’t help my insecurity.
I told him to keep his date as planned at OUR location. It’s just a meet and greet and we didn’t talk or agree to anything beforehand so I can’t get my panties in too much of a bunch (I did a little though).
Fuck I hate this. It’s at least a little easier to be in a triad or V where I am included. I. Hate. This.
How in the world am I supposed to be okay with things in our life when I am continually delivered half truths. Like yeah ‘we’re going to a restaurant’ when he knows full well what restaurant he has decided to take his date to but doesn’t want to tell me. Perhaps it’s because you know you shouldn’t and I may get upset?
2013 is not starting out well for my marriage.
When I was a freshly-minted poly person, and even before that, I was jealous of the attention that my wife was getting.
Now, when you’re a new convert to any philosophy, you tend to be very gung-ho about it. Feeling jealous is counter to playing well with others, and I felt like a monster because I felt the way “they” say I’m not supposed to.
The community at large can be unhelpful at times like this, because no one likes jealousy.
I beat myself up over it. I listened to what my wife said, my partners said, and what my friends said, and created an awful reality for myself: I’m a horrible person because I’m jealous, and that makes me completely undeserving of love, compassion, or the intimacy that I crave.
Let me share something with you that may or may not go against what you’ve heard.
Jealousy is normal. It is to be expected. Don’t fight it.
Jealousy is a hard-wired fear. It arises in response to a perceived threat against your pair bond (be that your SO, spouse, or best friend). Simple as that. This isn’t something you choose to feel; it is your lizard-brain having a field day.
In BDSM, in particular, you’re already messing with potent, primal feelings. You’re tickling the lizard-brain. Remember that.
You go out to a play party, and your primary partner is getting all vulnerable/wet/beaten/orgasmic/bound by someone who isn’t you. Your lizard-brain is already juiced up when you see this going on, and WHAM, you get flooded by emotions you can’t control.
Say you manage to keep your shit together until the scene is over, your partner’s reassurance doesn’t even make a dent in the feelings. The horrible feelings last.
You fight it, and try and push it down. You think you’re in the wrong. Fuck, it is just the most awful thing in the universe! Spin! Spin! Spin!
Those feelings are normal. Your lizard-brain saw something it perceived as threatening, and reacted accordingly, but flooding you with neurotransmitters in preparation for battle. That’s why (as a biological male, at least) you feel like you want to kill something.
Fighting the emotions and neurotransmitters is the last thing you want to do. Why? You’re adding logs to the fire. It can, and will, push you from emotional discomfort right over into acting out in ways you’ll regret.
Jealousy is normal. Accept it. What isn’t acceptable is acting out in violent ways because you’re high on lizard rage juice.
What should you do?
Walk away. Remove yourself from the stimulus so you can safely feel the flood inside you, and allow it to pass without feeding it. When you’re more centered, and your partner is finished, don’t try to hide what you were feeling. Communicate sooner, so you can resolve it later.
This is what you’re going for:
“Baby, I felt really jealous, watching you and Master SugarNads playing. I want to talk about it when we’re at home, but I really want a hug right now.”
“Oh, honey! I’m safe, and I had a great time. Let me hug the hell out of you right now!”
Isn’t that better than a swath of emotional destruction through the middle of a play party? Yes.
Let me reiterate: jealousy is normal; accept it; acting on it can be the bad thing.
So, you’ve survived the experience. This means you can move forward, and experience it again. And again… Better than it sounds, and this is why. Every time you see your partner return, it helps your civilized brain tell the lizard-brain to shut the fuck up. Eventually, the lizard will not even blink in situations that used to leave you flooded to the hairline with rage juice.
Do not listen to the “beautiful and evolved” people who never seem to feel a single intense emotion when they tell you you’re bad for feeling jealous. Do not take their reality for your own. Take what you feel, work with it, remove the fangs, and use your words.
That is the path to peace with the chaos of jealousy.
It’s early on, I know. I just need it to start getting easier, when he finds new female-interests.
I think I did pretty well when he told me he there was a woman he wanted to meet. I didn’t freak out, I didn’t cry. I did have the feeling of ‘oh great, here we go again.’ I still get the feeling of loss, when I guess at this point I haven’t lost anything. He is still my husband, he still loves me, we still live together, I’m not going to lose him, and he will try his best to accommodate and reassure me when I need him to.
We are into BDSM. My husband is a Dominate. I am not a submissive and he is on the prowl for someone that can meet his needs on that level. This woman is apparently interested in some bondage play time.
Although he expressed desire to meet her next week for lunch, I asked him to instead see if she was okay with a mid-morning Sunday meet instead. It is easier for me to get his date(s) off my mind when I am doing something myself. I recently purchased a Groupon for 20 yoga classes. I signed up for my first one on Sunday @ 10:30 and asked him to arrange his date (if possible) to be on a date while I am at yoga. This (I hope!) will enable me to concentrate on my mind, body, and soul. I’m hoping that these classes will really help me get in tune with myself. My hope is that yoga helps me with my mental health and encourages me to become that individual I used to be and can be again. One that accepts that her lover may have other partners and is happy about it and encourages it.
Right now, I’m not really freaking out. I’m happy about that. I’m thinking ‘okay, I can do this. It is just a meet, not a sex session, calm down!’
I can do this.