Happy New Year everyone! 2013 started out a little differently than I expected and although I feel it started off on shaky ground I think the resolution I made from it will allow me to have a fantastic year!
We went to a swingers NYE party because a few of our friends were going and it sounded like a good time. We’ve been to several before, and have been members of this particular group for almost a year now. It was bound to be a good time, right?
We were having a good time, we rang in the new year with some champagne and our friends and then B and I headed outside the main lobby to sit on a bench and smoke a cigar. We are having a nice time and talking and somehow the topic came to my strap-on that we had brought with us (along with all of our other naughty toys). The fact came up that I haven’t actually USED this strap-on yet and in my drunken high-on-cigar state of mind finally came clean as to why not: I told him the reason I’ve never used it at a party is because I don’t want my first time to be with someone I don’t know and am naked with in a party atmosphere, in front of people. Basically, I didn’t want to use it there at the hotel party we were at because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. It may sound silly to you, but sometimes I DO care what other people think. Drunk people aren’t always the nicest.
Eventually a woman and her husband walked up, and I scooted aside so she could sit between B and I. We had some laughs, and a few minutes later another girl (that wasn’t with anybody) comes up and B moves over and the other woman moves over so that the girl (we’ll call her J) could sit between them. No problems, really. I had been hoping some sort of scenario like this would happen so I could get B laid! I was excited! She seemed a bit buzzed, very chatty, etc. but I thought perhaps we would all get along, and maybe we could ring in the new year with some good sex.
J goes on and on about how she is here w/ a dude that she doesn’t like. He is a friend but is probably expecting more because he is paying for everything and she really doesn’t want to stay the night with him. At some point the question of B help her sort of diffuse the situation with him so she feels safes comes around and we agree that we will help her get out of the room. HOWEVER! I don’t even know how it go to the point of us saying yes we would help her AND yes we had an extra bed she could sleep in.
This woman is very loud, very … I don’t know, she annoyed me. She reminded me of one of our other friends that was there, just sort of obnoxious, loud, ‘hey everybody look at me!’ sort of thing and I wasn’t a fan. This girl was acting like I did when I was 26. I apologize to all of the people that had to endure me in my mid twenties. Holy shit it must have been awful for everyone! Unfortunately this woman was in her mid 30’s.
Ironically their room was only two doors down from ours. So we finish our cigars and champagne and head up to get her stuff out of this guy’s room and move it down to ours. The whole way she is drunk and loud and . I wish I could describe what it was that was grating on my nerves but I can’t .. get the words out of my head and onto paper.
So anyhow, he goes to her room, to help her get her stuff , but I didn’t stick around to help out with her luggage or anything because I was beyond annoyed that she wouldn’t just shut the fuck up and move along. Anyhow, they eventually come back to the room and we end up talking about the toys we had brought with us and back to the strap on we go! What the hell is so exciting about my GLOW IN THE DARK strap on is beyond me (HA!).
She goes on to say ‘Oh I would love for you to use your strap-on on me, please, would you? Now, keep in mind, I just want this person to GO AWAY because she has annoyed me so much with her actions and words. Not only is SHE now asking me to use the strap-on on her but now B gets in on it and says ‘Here honey, go ahead, have fun’ all while I am giving him this ‘are you fucking for real’ look. Clearly he did NOT remember our conversation 30 minutes ago when I said I didn’t want to do it here at this party with someone new.
I have her pressuring me on one side, him on another and what can I say to either of them? I feel so embarrassed ALREADY. I know that if I open my mouth to say something I will just end up crying and I don’t want that either. Instead, I let them keep talking while I grabbed my purse. I THINK I said ‘I told you I did not want to do it here’ and she said something along the lines of ‘well I don’t want to pressure you but I’d love to be your first’ or something like that. I HAD to get out of there; I was so angry and embarrassed I just wanted to crawl under a rock.
It ruined my New Years. I told him that I was going down to the party on another floor and I left. He eventually came looking for me and he asked me why I stormed off. In reality, I did not *storm off*. I calmly explained that I was not going to do what they wanted, I got my purse, told him where I was going, and left. I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t throw things and I didn’t slam the door. I just needed to get away and process my feelings before something was said that didn’t need to be.
We mingled in the party for a while but I wasn’t feeling it. I could not feel sexy when all I could think about was how embarrassed I was just made. He did apologize but I still don’t think he really understands what he did to me emotionally. It killed me. I’m still not in a sexy, attractive mood. The bad feeling will pass, I know, but it just really got me good.
This experience brought me to my ONE New Years Resolution:
“My New Years resolution is to say ‘NO’ every once in a fucking while and not feel bad about it.”
The scariest moment is always just before you start.
— Stephen King
I asked B to get me the book ‘Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships’ for Christmas. He’s a good man and he listened.
We actually have an electronic copy but I wanted something I could physically hold in my hands and something I could mark up. I wanted to read it and find important sentences or paragraphs or quotes, highlight them and be able to refer back to them in times of panic/need/desire.
My plan is sit down with the book sometime and post some of my favorite words of wisdom from the book.
One that has really stuck with me since reading the book is the following quote. It is in references to a man being at a party with his wife and her new boyfriend. He happened to see them making out across the room and he felt threatened. He stepped away from the party and took some time to sort through his emotions instead of going off (like I probably would).
‘Do I think she has complete control over her time, energy and affections? Yes. Do I trust that Leslie still loves me? Yes. And so on, until I concluded that my feelings were coming from a value system I have consciously refused.’
This is something I really need to constantly remind myself with. Yes, I know that B loves me. Yes, I know he is in full control over his time, energy and affections. Trust is a hard one for me and I don’t know why. But yes, I do trust him. He has never done anything to cause distrust.
Coping with jealousy is hard.
I had a minor meltdown a few days ago because of that stupid emotion.
My husband messages a lot of girls at one time. I understand that you have to cast 1,000 lines before you get 1 bite. I get that. I guess I feel like there must be some huge void in our life if he has to message all of these girls. I don’t know why I feel that way. We have the perfect life. I don’t want some chick coming around to fuck it up. I know that can happen at ANY TIME, in any relationship scenario but there it is. I worry.
The biggest breakdown in my marriage is communication. He thinks he is telling me what is important. He doesn’t understand that my and his definition of important vary by a big degree.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty of the issue only because it is a lot to type and it really doesn’t matter what it was. Basically he was going to go out with some girl who had set her OKCupid broadcast to going drinking that night. Instead of discussing the idea that he wanted to go out that night, potentially with a woman, he just asked her where she was going. (Mind you this is all happening by private message within OKCupid, and he knows I have access to his account). She replied and told him that she and a friend were going to a pub nearby. Well, before he could reply I told him that I had rescheduled my date for the next night (see previous post, ‘Met The Other’). Soon after, I noticed that he replied to the woman and said that he would have to take a rain check because he thought he would be free for some drinking because his wife had a date, but I had rescheduled so he couldn’t meet up. I was furious. And of course all of this happens while we’re at work and talking to each other by facebook messenger app on our phones. One of our rules (see post: Our Rules) is no spontaneous dates. Another is no dating unless the new person has been discussed prior. He tried to tell me that he was going to tell me / ask me about going out. I said ‘When? It was late in the afternoon already, were you just going to tell me right before my date started so I would feel like a bitch if I said no, thus knowing I would instead say yes?’ It really hurt my feelings. Like, A LOT.
All I have ever wanted was to be made comfortable with our decision to be poly. I asked for a simple set of rules that we agreed on to help that happen. Up until two days ago he has been the only one going out on dates. Yet, you just broke two rules at once and I am the one who feels bad? It hit me hard and I let him know it. I just didn’t understand.
We got home, and I find that the next time I go to log on to his OKC account he has changed the password. I ask him about it and he replies ‘wow, you’re fast’. That was it. The trust was gone. I packed up my purse, got my keys and headed to the car. I could not be in his presence at that time. unfortunately, it took me longer than expected to fish my damn keys out of my purse and he comes outside and asks me to come back in. So I do, and I storm up to the bedroom and just lay under the bed covers. I’m angry, I’m stressed, I’m so freaking sad at what has happened and I just needed to chill. He left me alone for a bit then we eventually talked and I told him that by changing his password he took all of the trust I had for him and essentially flushed it down the toilet. How was I supposed to trust you or communicate with you with other women if I don’t even know what is going on (this goes back to what he thinks is important for me to know and what I think).
The basic fear I have is that someone is going to come along and try to mess up my perfect world. I’ve never had the life I have now and I don’t want to risk ruining it. I have found my soul mate, my life partner, my best friend, my everything. It isn’t that I don’t TRUST HIM. It’s that I don’t trust the other woman/women not to meddle. I know this is also a risk in every relationship, however there just happened to be that kind of woman that was messaging B on OKC that day and I could just tell she would be trouble. I am thankful that she does not live in our state. My biggest issue that generally men do not see that woman are trying to manipulate them until it is too late. At least the nice guys don’t (and I’m on my second marriage and both have been nice guys). I have had this issue before, twice with my first husband. The two women were starved for attention, and would do just about anything to get it. One of them was friends with him before we got together so, although she had always been adamant about not wanting anything but friendship with him, she was greatly threatened by me because I was the bearer of his affection and attention and my needs were now being met. She used him like a friggin ATM machine and he was always at her beck and call. Yep, you guessed it, because he’s a nice guy. Same with the second woman. We met her together, she was a young single mom that we shared mutual friends with. She latched on. Honestly, we all did. We really liked her and enjoyed her company but she realized that if she just went to him for all of her issues they would be met. If he included me on them or she came to me, there were a lot more hurdles to jump through because she just wanted attention, support, and someone to babysit her kid.
SO! Truthfully, that is what I worry about. That my husband, being the wonderfully sweet, kind, caring (but NOT naive) man that he is, will be blind to all of this until it is too late and I have to step in to put my foot down on the drama. I say this because he went out with a single mom. I have no particular issue with her, she has not done anything for me to think she is anything but a nice girl. But, my eyes and ears are open and I need his to be as well. This is why I am much more comfortable with him dating other married-poly women. Especially ones with experience like the one he is seeing now. I feel there will be less drama with her and that gives her points in my book.
I have a lot of emotional things to deal with and I really hope this book helps me. I need to print and laminate some highlights so I can keep them with me to refer to whenever I’m having a hard time. It truly does help me to read that I am not alone, that all poly peeps have gone through this at one point in their journey, and not only did they make it out unscathed, but they are better for it.
So, my husband has been on 4 or 5 dates with a married poly woman I will call Decatur. She and her husband have been ‘in the lifestyle’ (god, I hate these phrases and labels so much!) for more than ten years and have a small baby. I have never felt threatened by her probably due to those exact reasons. I am not naive that issues or drama can still come from other people that are poly but the chances are at least less than they would be if he were actively dating a single woman or single mom. I have had friends that used to partner swap between the two couples and in the end they left each other for the others spouse; one couple from that marriage ‘swap’ is still together, the other is not. Nobody is ‘safe’ I guess. Anyhoo!
Decatur has never made me anything but comfortable and I think it’s because of the way she handled it from the get go. She was very up front in her personal ad, she knew what she was looking for and didn’t seem to want any drama of her own. Bonus points for that. Like I said, they have been out several times at this point, some just afternoon lunches together, and the last couple of times have been date – activities.
Decatur has time constraints, or maybe those are the wrong words to use. Basically she doesn’t have a lot of free time to date / meet up and needs the other person to have more flexibility in dating as well; in turn that means *I* have to be able to be flexible about when I am willing to free up my husband. That sucks. I also understand that the only way my husband (let’s call him ‘B’) would get to spend enough quality time with her would be if I were willing to be flexible for them. So, I’m trying. Our rules (in a previous post) explicitly mention no spontaneous dates. Well, that doesn’t bode so well in this case! Thankfully it was sort of a given that time would be an issue so from the beginning I have tried to just keep telling myself that I agreed I would be flexible for them, that it wouldn’t be fair for me to say no if she called him and said she had some time for him knowing full well that another time may not come up any time soon. I am glad I had mentally prepared myself for that day because it happened last week. We were out to dinner on a Friday night, the Friday before Christmas, it was OUR date night and she texted asking if he was free that weekend. In this case, it wasn’t a spontaneous date. I had originally wanted weekends to be ‘our quality time’ together because as working, responsible adults, weeknight time at home is anything BUT quality. It’s full of errands, and dishes, and laundry and vegging and sleeping. We ended up talking a lot about weekends but I’ll leave that for another post. I had prepared myself for a time when SOMEONE would ask for a weekend and I would have to give it. At least it was her and not someone else. I obliged because again, her time is in short supply and I would feel like a bitch if I’d stomped like a little baby and pouted and said no.
I had expected that this would be a first half-day date for them. The plan was to go ice skating. I was having to come up with my own plans for their Sunday afternoon when she told him that she only had a few hours. Whew, okay. I can ease into these longer dates after all! See, the time they have been spending together has been in 2-3 hour bursts. This date was to be no exception. She had a few hours in the afternoon. They did get to go skating, though and they both had a nice time. And I didn’t freak out.
You may (or may not) be asking yourself ‘is she dating? What is she doing with her time? Why is she freaking out?’. The answers: I’m trying to date. I’m trying to find things to do with me time and I’m freaking out because this whole thing is new to me. I have my own personals account and have been finally talking to some guys that have deserved a reply. Most have not. Most I have blocked because they keep sending messages like ‘hey sxy. how r u’. Guys just a hint: Use full words and sentences. I’m not even going to fault you for not using apostrophes but we aren’t in high school N E MORE. GAH!
So, there was a guy that piqued my interest enough and I was eventually asked out. The plan was to go Thursday evening. So, Thursday rolls along and Decatur asks B if they can go out on Friday night. A lot of other stuff happened that day (again, another post!) and I was not feeling okay with going out on my date on Thursday night knowing I would not see B until Friday morning, and then him going out on Friday night knowing I wouldn’t see him until Saturday morning. That basically said to me – – No quality time with B for you for a while. I didn’t like it. I freaked about some other things that afternoon (non Decatur related) and ended up postponing my date for Friday night. I did this because I knew I would have a better time on MY date knowing that B was also out on a date. Means I could fully engage my date instead of being the one NOT on a Friday night date and my thoughts constantly going to B and Decatur’s date and getting jealous.
Well, thankfully my date was able to postpone and I got to meet B’s potential girlfriend! They went mini lunar golfing (basically mini golf under black light) and to dinner and she drove to our house and they carpooled. I was lucky that my date wasn’t beginning at the same time so I could stick around and say hi. I just needed to meet her, ya know? I had only seen a face picture. She and I have actually spoken online a few times and I really like her so I wanted to meet her, even if it was just a quick hello and goodbye. She looked better in person than her face picture did. She had some baby weight on her and I think she looked really great. She has a lovely smile and seemed genuinely friendly. It was nice to have a real image in my head and it was nice to still like her after the fact. So they went on their date, I went on mine, and all 4 of us had a great time on our dates. It was even better that B and I arrived home within 30 mins of each other and a lot of hot steamy mind blowing sex followed. Granted, we have great sex every day (sometimes twice or even three times) but there is just nothing like sex after an evening out with someone else.
He also kissed her for the first time and I am so happy! I hope the next date progresses even more. I LOVE to hear about their dates, their talks, their affections and I really truly can’t wait to hear about their first time in bed.
I really enjoyed my own date. This guy, we’ll call him McDonough. He is a long-married man with 4 kids. He loves his wife and they sort of have an agreement that he can go get his needs met elsewhere as long as she can be in the dark about it. I wondered how that sort of thing was possible; how do you not know that your husband is up to something when he is gone for hours at one time? Then it hit me; the KIDS! I don’t have kids (and don’t plan to) and it dawned on me that she doesn’t even have time to worry about how long he has been gone. She has 4 kids (all under 10 I might add) to focus her attention on. They fill the void when he isn’t there. So, she isn’t in the dark but she just has better things to worry about. He said there has been a huge weight lifted off both of them because she doesn’t feel pressured to perform when she doesn’t want to and he doesn’t feel like he is cheating. My point was to say it was very nice to be able to talk about our spouses together knowing neither was going to get jealous or … really be anything but understanding for each other. I like not having to hide the fact that I do want to talk about B sometimes and that McDonough is free to do that as well. I think that is one nice thing for me about seeing a married man. I think single guys may end up feeling threatened or jealous or .. something.
So yes, a good Friday night was had by all. Sadly I know that we will not get to have dates on the same day every time. I almost didn’t cancel because I didn’t want to get in the habit of trying to plan a date around B’s dates or vice versa. However with the things that got me worked up Thursday afternoon I knew it would not be fair to my date if I went. I just wouldn’t have been able to concentrate.
Be safe. Both sexually and in the avoid sketchy situations sense.
Potential new partners will be discussed before the first date.
Dates should be scheduled in advance. In the event of a conflict, permission may be withheld.
Communicate where you are going, who you are with, and when you expect to be home. If plans changes, communicate that in real time.
No over-night dates.
The common bed is not for other partners.
The first occurrence of physical contact with a new partner will be announced at the earliest convenience.
Avoid getting sucked into anyone else’s relationship drama.
Do not allow anyone to be disrespectful towards our relationship.
Communicate the rules to other partners at the appropriate time.