An End to One
Earlier this week B decided to end his relationship with M, the woman he has been ‘going out’ with for several weeks now.
Recently I’d begun getting a different feeling about this woman. At the beginning her messages were sweet, engaging and interested.
I first noticed a change in her attitude (towards B) after she met me for the first time. She came over to our house to carpool with B to their date. It was a short friendly hello type thing at the front door. I had seen one face picture of her so I had no idea what she really looked like. She looked great! A real cutie. Apparently that night she told B something along the lines of ‘She was prettier than I expected her to be’. He didn’t actually tell me that – she messaged me on the dating website we (were) all members of and told me herself! ‘I was telling B after I met you that you were much prettier than I’d expected you to be. You need new pictures on here because they aren’t good and maybe that is why you aren’t having any luck on here’. WOW! Not only does she have NO clue my success rate (which was just as good as hers. She said she had to hide her profile because of all the messages. I was close to doing the same) but she basically assumed I was not attractive! My positive opinion of her was going south, quickly. I felt that was pretty rude.
At the end of December I believe, she informed him that she would be taking a trip out west the first week of January and would like to spend as much time with him as schedules would allow. This point is where I noticed that her messages seemed more businesslike and to the point. I wish I had an example, I’ll try to think of one. The entire time they were ‘together’ B and I were bending our schedules if needed to allow it to be in line with hers. I was okay with this from the beginning because I wanted them to spend time together. She has a small child, a busy husband and she is a stay at home mom, hence the need for some flexibility. B offered a day up for her to meet up before she went out of town and her reply was something like ‘I can’t do evenings because of blah blah’, something about her husband working every night until she left for her trip so nobody would be home to watch the baby. Instead she said ‘I would love to meet up for lunch sometime though’. I know you can only read what you want to see when reading a message from someone but truly, the tone had changed.
He decided that he was not going to see her before she left because he didn’t want her to think that we were going to bend over backwards every time schedules didn’t line up. He didn’t need her getting that expectation. I felt bad but I understood and appreciated that he valued both of our times.
They talked here and there while she was gone and once she got back into town she sent him a message along the lines of ‘Hey I’m back in town. I am not available x day and y day but next week looks pretty clear. She went on about a few other things but that was the basic message. No ‘hey I missed you, or hey can’t wait to see you soon’. Nothing but ‘I’m free next week when are going out?’
I told Bryce I did not appreciate the way she had been treating him lately. I said I’m not mad I’m not telling you to not see her I’m just letting you know how I feel and what can we do about what I think is happening?
They have been out on probably five dates, him having gotten one kiss from her. I know this wasn’t all about see but c’mon. I felt like he was being taken advantage of for a while, that she was looking for someone to take her out, help her escape from her marriage and baby for a little while. Someone to have fun with then go back home. I know that is all part of dating but it didn’t seem like she was really willing to GIVE anything and that IS part of it. I explained that to him and just wanted him to sort of ponder it and see what he felt too. We agreed to give it two more dates and then he would end it.
She said she had some ballroom dancing lessons that she had purchased as a date option for her and her husband but due to babysitting issues had not been able to use them and wondered if he would like to. My first instinct was to say no. I even told him that. I asked if it was really something he wanted to do anyway. I did admit that I felt it was something close, something to be experienced by two people in love, or at least in a closer relationship than I know they have. It seemed too personal for such an impersonal seeming relationship. He said that no, he did not really want to do it anyway. I know I am forgetting some bits and pieces in this last bit of the story but I know the next thing he told her was that he was not interested in pursuing the relationship any further. When I read that message I was shocked! He hadn’t told me he was feeling that way. I still thought we were on the ‘two dates and it’s done’ program.
The woman replied back saying she noticed that he had taken down all of his dating profiles and said ‘either your marriage is in trouble or you had a great weekend with someone’. Really? You instantly jump to our marriage being in trouble? He decided to message her back and let her know that his marriage was still going strong and that he didn’t realize how being someone’s secondary was going to feel. (Sidebar: I think a lot of secondary people can have great relationships when they are not someone’s primary but this particular woman didn’t make him feel special or that his time was valuable.) He said that he has realized at least for now that he does not have time in his life for a serious secondary relationship with anyone. He is more interested in casual play partners who he can casually date and if that turned into something more serious he would revisit that situation when the time came. I was surprised but had recently become aware of this too, although we hadn’t talked about it. We went to a lunch with our local BDSM crowd (in a vanilla setting) and met some great people. Afterwards we went to the BDSM club and had a great time. It was then that it became clear that this is what he really wanted from the get go but didn’t realize it: people to play with and hang out with. I’m cool with that!
I feel bad that this happened because I know he was interested in seeing where it was going but not at the expensive of his own feelings, time, and self worth. It’s on to better things apparently!